Eight Lines a Midwife Who Loves Heated Rivalry Says 

I'm a licensed midwife and urban curandera who watched Heated Rivalry, Rachel Reid's hockey romance, and was instantly fucking obsessed. I immediately found uses in my practice for my favorite lines, or like top 8, yes, I think so, probably. 

If you've read Rachel Reid's Heated Rivalry, or watched Jacob Tierney's series adaptation — the hockey romance that broke a thousand hearts and launched a thousand re-heats — it has some of the most quotable lines evah, and if you are my people, you are out there using them. Shane and Ilya* say things that have taken hold and possessed us (don't act like it's just me, loons,) sometimes the phrases find their way out, usually at top volume. Cause like everyone must know this, right?

Below are eight lines from Heated Rivalry, paired with the exact moments in midwifery that vibe. (Or birth work — I see you doulas and L&D nurses!) Hollandov Fam, you're with me. If you're preggers or a birth nerd, you'll feel me. If you have a sense of humor, welcome. 

1) "Is lie, liar told you that." 

Screw you, VBAC naysayers! 

The perfect response when a birth professional - or an invasive stranger, or a podcast host, or your mother-in-law tells you that you can't have a VBAC because it's not safe.

The data on vaginal birth after cesarean is extensive, peer-reviewed, and unambiguous for most birthing people. Anyone telling you otherwise as a blanket statement is either misinformed or working from a script that has nothing to do with you. Is lie, liar told you that. And BTW, more polite than the Shane Hollander go-to of "Fuck off." 

2) "Okey." 

You know when Ilya is sitting in the "regular car" and he has that face on of yeah, this shit. Lemme just tolerate it. 

Okey, spelled exactly that way. The slightly-off, perfectly-flat acknowledgment that says I have heard you and I am choosing not to respond to that ridiculousness. 

This is the sound of a midwife fixing her face. Someone has just said something wild — about VBAC risk, about why their last birth "had to be" a c-section, about a wellness influencer's take on cord clamping, about what their cousin's chiropractor thinks, or some other wild shit that's totally about to be my problem — and I have approximately 0.4 seconds to land on a neutral expression. My go-to face moving forward will be: okey. 

If you've ever had to be professional in a room with people saying unhinged bullshit, you know this face. 

Okey.

3) "Did your mom buy you all these pillows? You think there are enough?" 

Said with more affection than mockery. And let me tell you something, Ilya — no, I don't have enough pillows. And neither do you. 

I might be setting up some good pillowing for therapeutic rest à la Miles circuit, or coaching a postpartum parent into a good nursing latch. There are so many pillows. Wedge pillow for semi-reclining. Pillow under the knees, between the knees, behind the back, under the bump, Boppy while nursing, small sofa throw under the elbow holding the baby. I'm doing my pillow wizardry, cheerfully adding the seventh one while your partner is wondering if this is overkill. 

It's not overkill. It's exactly the right amount. Keep giving me that look and you are gonna make a run to Home Goods to get EVEN MORE PILLOWS — and also so I can get you out of my hair. Here is my Pillowing video - check it out! 

And later, the kids can make a pillow fort, okey? 

4) "Found you!" 

I feel like a spelunker up in here. 

Cervixes in early labor are sometimes positioned posterior and high. Which is to say: waaaaaaaaay back, and waaaaaaaaay up. Reaches, adjusts, reaches again, and then fingertips finally make contact. Found you. 

5) "I mean, yes. I think so, probably." 

AM I EVER GOING TO HAVE THIS BABY? 

This is the answer to the most asked question in the full-term days: Is the baby coming soon? I feel like I'm going to be pregnant forever. 

I know a lot. Cervix, station, sounds, the way the laboring person is moving, the time between contractions, the look in the eye, the energy in the room. But I don't know-know. Birth has its own timeline, and a big part of that is how the pregnant person feels and how those emotions are affecting her hormones. 

So the honest answer is exactly this: yes, the baby is coming. At some point. Okey.

6) "Here's fucking view, Hollander. Check it out!" 

Me, when we've done three position changes to get a shoulder dystocia baby out into this world. 

I mean, the view is probably a close-up of boobs but ok. 

Check it out. We are all goode here. 

7) "Oh, so you're kind of wild?" 

Do you know what's in that? In addition to the extra banana? 

Adding a frozen placenta cube (or a small raw chunk) to a postpartum smoothie is the biz, and I think it's exceptionally helpful for the first 24 hours. Placenta consumption sounds wild to outsiders and is just Tuesday inside the birth world. So yeah, have some smoothie brought to you by the student midwife. 

8) "I might knock." 

Yeah, but maybe not. 

It's 3 a.m. I just got a call 20 minutes ago that a midwife friend's O2 tank is empty — they were setting up at a fast-moving birth and it was put up wrong at the last birth, or the gauge got opened, or something, but anyway they have no O2 and can you bring yours like RIGHT NOW? 

So I pull up and there are cars in the driveway. It's a tight fit because it's all townhomes and big ditches over here, and a light is on in the room over the garage. Totally hoping there is not a territorial dog. I knock softly, no answer, and go into someone's house I don't know and have never been to, and haul all my O2 stuff upstairs with extra gauges and blenders. I knock gently on the door where I hear moaning, quietly say, "Hi, it's Rowan with 02," and they say baby just came. But we will keep the tank just in case. "Need me to stay?" No, we good. 

Hugs and big thanks and I'm back out the door. Total of three minutes there. And when I get in the car, I realize my hair is held back by a sleep mask. Like a headband. 

I do not, in fact, look pretty. 

Who is writing this and why 

Hiya, Rowan TwoSisters. Nice to meet ya. 

I'm a licensed midwife (CPM, LM), licensed massage therapist, and urban curandera with over 36 years of practice. My practice is Preggers Can Be Choosers - a clinical practice serving birthing families and folks with scars that would like support.

I also write the Hella Goode Series - a 22-book magical realism series set in West Texas, featuring a curandera-midwife who lives in an Airstream in Marfa and would absolutely have read Heated Rivalry. 

If you're birth-curious and looking for stories where midwives are the heroes, that's what I'm building. Hella Goode is The Fool is first in the series, 

If you're a Heated Rivalry fan who didn't expect to end up at a midwifery essay today - welcome. I'm so glad you're here. The well is right over there. You can look at it. Like, if you are thirsty.

Part Two coming when more lines knock. 

*If you don't know who Shane and Ilya are yet, you have a delicious weekend ahead of you. And Kip!

The picture is of me and Eleanor Prado at Heated Rivalry bingo, where I played for exactly three numbers before I just hung out and watched the show on the big screen while people yelled out the lines. Eleanor played my card, so no bingos went to waste!